Monday, January 2, 2012

A New Me

I finished going through the rest of your things tonight. Your feet and hand prints are bigger than I remembered...but still tiny when I saw the picture of Emily holding your feet in her hands...feet complete with ten little hammer toes. Your hospital bracelet intertwined with mine. The application for your birth certificate. I didn't remember seeing the book the hospital sent home either. That started the tears. It was a baby book intended for a child that died. How did I miss that. I also packaged up your hospital blanket and hat. Remembering the look on the nurse's face made me smile and brought fresh tears again. She really thought I lost my mind when I asked for them. She thought they should have been thrown away because they were stained with your blood. I didn't care though. I wanted them back. It was one more reminder that you were real.

I didn't put your things away because someone told me it was time. When we came home from the hospital that day, your brother met us at the door. When he realized you weren't with us, he started screaming.  We dropped everything in our bedroom and laid with him on the bed, trying to comfort him as he sobbed and screamed. Nothing was moved until today.

Nearly a year ago, laying on that sono table, I became a different person. Some days I don't recognize myself. I don't like the jaded person I have become and knowing the days of innocence are long gone. Some days are a struggle to get through. I still have problems remembering little things. If you see me with a gallon of milk in my hand wandering around the kitchen it is because I can't remember where to put it. Thankfully I have fewer of these days, but I am quicker at recognizing why and when it happens. Putting the negative aside, I can find some good qualities in the new me. I have experienced life from a whole new perspective and have also met some wonderful people who bring out the best in me. I don't think I could have experienced this type of sorrow and joy and not become a different person.

I did it for me.  Learning to love the good, accept the bad, recognizing my weakness and utilizing my strengths. Embracing the path that He chose for me. This new me is because of you. Tangible things are just that. I have realized the best part of you will always be with me...nothing found in a memory box...but inside my heart where you will always be.


Holly said...

Keri Kitchen said...

heartbreaking and beautiful.

I know. :-(

Andrea said...

"This new me is because of you."

You said it perfectly. Thank you Palmer, for the new Jenny.

Candace Taylor said...

Thank you for being you !!! You are such and amazing lady. We really need to get together for a play date I miss seeing you and Spencer.