Tuesday, November 29, 2011

That Mom

At this time six months ago we were welcoming family and friends to our home in the anticipation of Palmer's birth. It was a happy time mixed with the fear of the unknown.

Since Palmer's birth, society has painted me into 'that mom'.

That mom whose baby died. Oh yes. Don't you remember me telling you about her. She is the one who had that baby that died. No. Babies don't just die. She must have had a miscarriage. Yeah. A miscarriage. That sounds better. If we call it a miscarriage it is easier forgotten. Besides no one actually knows their baby will die before it is born. So yeah. It must have been a miscarriage. There is no way she willingly carried him to term knowing he would die.

Oh no. Here comes that mom. Don't make eye contact. She might start talking about her baby that died. We can't let her bring it up or mention it at all. Quick. Turn the corner. Oh I hope she didn't see us.

That mom is crazy! Who thinks rain can make you feel closer to your dead child. I hope she feels comfort in all that delusion she is living in.

Oh. Its that mom. Oh poor thing. Well lets make sure we are super supportive but please, at all cost, we need to avoid mentioning her babies name. Christmas is coming and we just can't say his name out loud. We don't want her having a break down at the mention of his name.

That mom. *sigh*

I really hate to burst some bubbles out there but I am not that mom. Who I am, is that mom who delivered a full-term infant who was born with a beating heart. I am that mom who loved her son unconditionally, and yes, chose to continue a pregnancy knowing the end result would be death either during birth or shortly after. I am that mom who mourns her son in her own way and on her own time and will not be told that she is doing it wrong.  I am that mom who continues to embrace the plan God has for her son and who rejoices in the fact that she has an angel looking down on her from Heaven.

I am that mom who wants to talk about her son ~ especially during the holiday seasons and those special anniversary dates. The moment we stop talking about those we lost, is the moment we forget about them. I am not going to crack or crumble at the mention of his name, but I will if he is forgotten. I am my own person and will never let society paint me into 'that mom'. I am Palmer's mom.


Angel said...

If I am ever 'that person' who makes you feel that way I truly apologize. My friend also lost her daughter and I was so blessed to be a part of that day and I got to meet her while she lived on this earth and I know that Palmer has changed as many lives as my friend's baby girl. Some people (me) just don't know what to say, do, or even think...I cannot fathom the pain that one goes through to lose a baby that they carried for months only to have to give that child back to God so soon. I don't mean to avoid but I must admit I do it, because I'm ignorant and really don't know how to act. That is MY weakness, I assure you, not yours. Thank you for being so honest, you have expressed your feelings so openly and honestly and have forced me to think hard about how I behave. May God bless you and provide you peace as you grieve your loss and learn to cope.

Amanda said...

I am truly amazed at the strength you have Jenny! I feel privileged that through your blog I have been sorta included in your journey through all this even though I am 12 hours away. I think you said it perfectly - You will always be Palmer's mom! Love you! I hope through this holiday season you, Scott and Spencer will find joy and peace- the kind that is long lasting!

Dana said...

I have never walked in your shoes and have no idea the multitude of emotions you must feel but I just wanted to say the words you wrote have to be some of the most beautiful words I have ever read. God bless you and your family and may He continue to comfort you in your journey.