a jagged little pill

Mom! Mom! Mom! I have exciting news for you! Today when I was learning my consonants C and K in phonics class, God whispered into my ear! He said you had a teeny tiny baby growing in your tummy! Isn't that awesome!!

Well this wasn't a moment where I could  pat him on the head and explain how mommy's ovaries do not work. It was a moment where I was thankful he was in the backseat and couldn't see the tears fall. It was a moment where I swallowed the lump in my throat, kicked in the happy voice and told him how awesome it was that God whispered into his ear. Thankfully he has a short attention span. He spent the next few minutes trying to imitate how God sounded when he whispered.

I can tell you that after you experience the death of a child, a feeling of failure can creep in. Yeah, yeah. I know. I can hear the comments on that one. But you do. A woman's body was designed to reproduce and bear children. When you can't do that successfully, you feel like a failure as a woman, a wife and a mother. Your duty as a mom is to love and protect your children with every last fiber of your being. There are people in my life who have abandoned their children for the sake of convenience. There are people in my life who view their children as merely a pawn in the game of life. It is these same people who have working ovaries and are blessed with subsequent pregnancies. Another hard pill  to swallow, adding to the feelings of ever present failure. I know there was nothing I intentionally did to cause Palmer's birth defect. I showed him all the love a mother could in his short time here on Earth. Sometimes as a mom that just isn't enough to trump the negative feelings. And I think I have every right to allow myself to feel this way from time to time. There are only so many consecutive hours you can force yourself to be strong for everyone around you.

I don't want to sound like the bitter, resentful mom who couldn't have what she wanted or thought she deserved. I do see the blessings in my life and strive to look for more even on the worst of days. Spencer is one of those blessings. A vibrant, witty and intelligent child who constantly keeps me on my toes. His requests for a baby come from an innocent, loving place. It is a reminder of the unconditional love we should all have inside of our hearts. That love should never chastised or squelched by anyone irregardless of how they feel about the 'fairness' in life. It is often the reality check that snaps me back to where I need to be.