Monday, July 11, 2011

back in the saddle again...

A year or so ago, we went through a period of Spencer fibbing. I believe it was my sister who started the 'truth chair' with him. If we thought he was starting to tell a whopper, we would ask him to sit on the 'truth chair' and tell his tale. Thankfully he didn't have to make too many trips to the chair and he learned (hopefully) his lesson on fibbing. Sometimes if he doesn't like what he is told by myself, he asks me to sit on the 'truth chair'....

I guess this blog is my 'truth chair'.

Last week I started back to work doing half days. Slowly easing back in.  I thought I was ready. Well I can't lie. I can't even try to lie. I was not ready.

The anxiety was the worse. It was a weight on my chest dragging me down and hard to breathe. My heart raced. It usually resolved on my drive back home. I would lay awake at night trying to sleep. The closer it came for my alarm to go off, I could feel that weight slowly increasing and my heart speeding up.

I hated the questions or the anticipation of questions. I tried so hard during my pregnancy to tell everyone who acknowledged my belly that  Palmer would not survive. I did this to avoid answering questions when I came back from maternity leave. I did this for nearly 20 weeks. I did this to avoid the awkward questions of  'How is your baby?'. It was hard then, but it is harder now.

I am not sure if people did not believe Palmer's diagnosis or if they just didn't pay attention. Maybe they thought the doctors were wrong. Or that there would be a miracle. It is hard to hear "How is your baby? Is everything fine now with him?" or "Congratulations. How are your boys doing? Has it really been six weeks? So your new little one is six weeks now. I bet he is big." I can guarantee you there was an awkward silence followed by stammering on my end. How do you answer that? Even after re-explaining some still don't believe me. A blunt "My baby is dead" is all I can come up with at times. Terms like "passed away" bring confusion to some faces. It drained me mentally. The mental end wore me down physically.

After we discuss that indeed he did die, I usually hear the following: "Oh that is too bad. I guess it was just meant to be that way. You know, Gods will. I guess you can just have another one."  or "Well at least you have one child that is alive. By the way, your hair looks great today." Alright. Some of this may be true on a few different levels, but this is the last thing I want to hear. I want my child healthy and alive and home with me. I want the sleepless nights. I welcomed them. I don't care if my hair looks great! I would be bald if it meant he was in my arms.

And now we move on to my weight. For the record, I just finished a Snickers ice cream cone before I started this blog. I ate yogurt for breakfast,  lasagna and salad for lunch and for supper we went to Sonic where I had a New York hot dog, cheese tots and a root beer float. Yes I am eating. Yes I have lost weight. Has it been intentional. Yes. Am I self-destructing through grief? No.  If you saw me before I was pregnant, you would know that I needed to loose weight. Aside from tonight, I am eating smarter, counting my carbs and proteins; basically  following my pregnancy diabetic diet.

I also had issues with Spencer starting a new daycare. This had nothing to do with the care he was getting. I was so afraid of change. I do not like and do not deal well with change. It was out of my comfort zone. Have I mentioned that I hate change?  But he fit right in and loves his new provider. He even cried one night because he didn't want to go home and there was never  clinging "Don't go mommy!" moments in the mornings.

Life threw too much at me to handle at one time. I can recognize that. I can accept that. Thankfully I have an understanding boss. I am feeling a lot better with some things. Others will be a work in progress. For as much as I would like to sit at home, I can't. For now, just half days for a while. No one ever said things will be 'normal' in six weeks. I need to try to find a balance. Onward and upward...


Kara said...

Oh, Jenny! So sorry for all of the difficult comments and moments at work. I was definitely worried for how that would go for you. It's so so hard. Praying for you heart sweet Momma! Glad to hear though that Spencer's new daycare is working out well. That's a blessing.


Kara said...

Was just thinking as I prayed for you - what if you had a sweet written note about Palmer and his brief but powerful life - that you could hand to a person at work asking about him that would answer their questions about your baby? I don't know if that would work in reality, but it sure would make it easier than having to say it time and again as different people come through.

Anonymous said...

I know those questions are hard :-( So are the well-intentioned looks of sympathy sometimes. I almost wish for things to be back to normal. Almost.... but not really. What a journey.
(btw... i think some of those comments, like "oh, well it must have been God's will" ... though they may be true, it's the dismissive tone that makes them hurtful. As if that's that and you should just move on and get over it because it's God's will. It doesn't work like that.)


Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Jenny,
My heart aches for you during this process. We are to lift up our brothers & sisters in Christ during difficult times. When I think about this I think of those that held up Moses' hands while he was praying and God was parting the Red Sea through him. In like manner I lift you and your family up in prayer. Prayer for strength, peace beyond all understanding and courage to go forward and continue to trust the plans God has for you. I lift you up in prayer for prayer itself as you may grow weary in praying for yourself. I pray for you to feel all the love that surrounds you and for the forgiveness of those who are incensitive to your feelings. God bless you my dear and I'm sending you lots of love and hugs.

Deb K