Monday, July 4, 2011

Good Grief

Good Grief.

How many times have you used that phrase? Was it said out of frustration? I am guilty of using it. Usually it is said under my breath when Spencer pulls a good one. Should I use this phrase? Probably not. When I do say it, I am typically at my whits end. Tired, grumpy, annoyed, short on patience. I could keep throwing adjectives out there but I think you have either caught my drift or have been in my shoes.

Grief Good.

That looks funny doesn't it. How can grief be good?

This weekend came with a bit of reflecting...reflecting on my own grief process with the loss of Palmer. Spencer and I made the trip out to western Kansas to see Scott. A total of 10 hours or so in the car. That is a lot of time to think and ponder life. Lately I have been wondering and worrying  if I am handling my grief the right way. Some days I cry. Some days I do not. I feel like I have more good days with a sprinkling of bad moments. On my good days I feel a sense of peace. Peace that surrounds me and holds me tight.  But is my peace really an illusion? Have I tricked myself into believing that I am "fine"? Have I really started to pick the pieces back up after the death of my son?  Will this sense of peace crumble down on me one day and leave me vulnerable and further broken?  All these questions bring doubt. Doubt will be the cause for me to reflect and work through the answers to my questions.

I held a baby this weekend. Well a one-year-old to be exact. I didn't know if I could do it. Doubt crept up and settled in next to me as I sat on the couch. It was the first child I held since Palmer.  He was such a rambunctious little guy, tired and in need of a nap. His parents said, "This is strange. He just doesn't warm up to strangers." Actually I kept hearing this phrase the entire hour he sat on my lap playing. He was so peaceful and calm. At one point I thought maybe it was Palmer's doing. I could picture him whispering into the little guys ear. "Hey! That is my mom. I know she will hold you just like she did me! Just stick your arms up and she will pick you up. Yeah! That's it! I told you so!"  It felt good to take that step and to mentally work through the physical act of holding and playing with a child again. I showed Doubt that I could do it.

Some days will be easy, others will be hard. The pieces of my life will be found and  picked back up again. Love, understanding and acceptance of my grief will help hold those pieces back into place.

Grief Good.

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