That Mom

At this time six months ago we were welcoming family and friends to our home in the anticipation of Palmer's birth. It was a happy time mixed with the fear of the unknown.

Since Palmer's birth, society has painted me into 'that mom'.

That mom whose baby died. Oh yes. Don't you remember me telling you about her. She is the one who had that baby that died. No. Babies don't just die. She must have had a miscarriage. Yeah. A miscarriage. That sounds better. If we call it a miscarriage it is easier forgotten. Besides no one actually knows their baby will die before it is born. So yeah. It must have been a miscarriage. There is no way she willingly carried him to term knowing he would die.

Oh no. Here comes that mom. Don't make eye contact. She might start talking about her baby that died. We can't let her bring it up or mention it at all. Quick. Turn the corner. Oh I hope she didn't see us.

That mom is crazy! Who thinks rain can make you feel closer to your dead child. I hope she feels comfort in all that delusion she is living in.

Oh. Its that mom. Oh poor thing. Well lets make sure we are super supportive but please, at all cost, we need to avoid mentioning her babies name. Christmas is coming and we just can't say his name out loud. We don't want her having a break down at the mention of his name.

That mom. *sigh*

I really hate to burst some bubbles out there but I am not that mom. Who I am, is that mom who delivered a full-term infant who was born with a beating heart. I am that mom who loved her son unconditionally, and yes, chose to continue a pregnancy knowing the end result would be death either during birth or shortly after. I am that mom who mourns her son in her own way and on her own time and will not be told that she is doing it wrong.  I am that mom who continues to embrace the plan God has for her son and who rejoices in the fact that she has an angel looking down on her from Heaven.

I am that mom who wants to talk about her son ~ especially during the holiday seasons and those special anniversary dates. The moment we stop talking about those we lost, is the moment we forget about them. I am not going to crack or crumble at the mention of his name, but I will if he is forgotten. I am my own person and will never let society paint me into 'that mom'. I am Palmer's mom.

His Willful Heart

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I have been going through mementos, photographs and keepsakes over the last few days. This was an impromptu recording taken on Palmer's birthday with my Blackberry. Palmer was very active and did not cooperate with the fetal monitors that day. Timing was of essence and critical for him to be considered for tissue donation. We ended up agreeing to check his heartbeat every hour during labor to document if his heartbeat was still going strong.  Each passing hour was emotional for everyone in the room... family, friends and staff. There was always a collective sigh of relief when the rhythmic pace was heard. Reality may have been waiting around the corner, but those moments belonged to us.

I will always cherish this sound. So in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and remembrance of my son, I will share this memory with you. On the right hand side at the top there is an audio player entitled "His Willful Heart"... before you press play, please mute the audio player at the bottom of the blog. The recording is quiet, so you may need to turn your computer volume up.

Thank you for allowing me to share my son with you.